[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
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If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I’m not stressed
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
i dont have time for this
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.