LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
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Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?