a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
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Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high