Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
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don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”