I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
You Might Also Like
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?