Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
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With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
can’t catch a break
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
I would guard your potatoes so hard.