“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
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Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick