People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
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My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.