Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
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I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
There is no “we” in pizza
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.