Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
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My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
fired
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card