“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
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I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.