“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
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Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]