When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
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My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off