I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
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How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?