Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
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Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Human are so complicated
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.