I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
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[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”