DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
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Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.