I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
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There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
my favorite genre of twitter
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.