Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
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Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.