8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
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Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.