When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
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Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw