I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
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I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.