Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
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If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
This anagram machine is out of order.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator