Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
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Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.