God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
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and this one
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994