Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
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I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us