Oh no 😂😂💔😭
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Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.