I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
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How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular