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My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
welp
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?