If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
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The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Why is this me 😫
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.