If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
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i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
That’s a good costume, I hope.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right