All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
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It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing