My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
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I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.