“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
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[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.