Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
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My brain is a bad influence on me
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.