Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
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In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I pray every night that I never become religious…
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I am crying