My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
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*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Botany good plants lately?
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.