[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
You Might Also Like
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*