why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
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My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”