Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
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Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
I believe the plural is “milves.”
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
i smell a pulitzer
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo