My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
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[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away