jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
You Might Also Like
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.