You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
You Might Also Like
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am