Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
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Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.