* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
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On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
boat question
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Do not go gentle into that good night,
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much