Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
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Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History