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Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?