i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
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Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.