Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I have a type: disappointing
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!