I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
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Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
These aliens are taking forever.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference